If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
