I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
