She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
