anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
