Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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