6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Everything about him screamed your future.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
