its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
