she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
