i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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