dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
