Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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