My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
