She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Randomize
