Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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