i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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