So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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