Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
