The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
