Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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