Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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