My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
