ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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