a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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