I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
