jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize