Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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