Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
