when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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