I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
