I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
