**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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