she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
