o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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