literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize