Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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