I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
