i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
