he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
