Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Randomize
