Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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