I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
