this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
