Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
