Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
