is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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