...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
