He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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