in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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