I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
