Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
