I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We had sex on a dog bed..
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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