I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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