you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
