I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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