Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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